Jokers and Queens
by Hound of Tindalos
Summary: What happened between the time of the Dark Knight and Batman Rises? Enter a game of deception, lust and hidden romance between the worlds most notorious criminal, the darkest knight and the femme fatale that comes between them. Rated M for language, violence, sex and Jokerness
1. My City

**In this version, the Joker is up and running and Catwoman is not the Anne Hathaway Catwoman. Not that that's cleared up...**

**Gotham 20XX**

**Cat POV**

I had considered hooking my iPod into my cap, right now my goggles which I had borrowed from a military base — what, I'm a high class girl — and then modified and upgraded to my standards. A girls got to have standards. Perched on a sign some fifty feet up in the air, fifty four feet I told myself from a quick glance to at the distance, I was watching a group of armed thugs about to smash'n'bash a jewelry _I _was going to smash'n'bash.

"What little bitches." I grumbled, rubbing my nose and I examined my retractable titanium clawed gloves that had clawed up the faces of anyone I despised. In the ran I was invisible, a timed jump and a flick of my titanium enforced whip I crossed the distance in .4 seconds, landing into a crouch.

"What the —" Painted faces. Like cute little circus clowns high on acid.

"Cute." Rising I whipped my bull whip to and fro, pacing before I snapped it around the nearest clowns face, yanking him to me as I kneed him in the stomach, elbow to the spine and he was the down.

"Shoot! Who is —"

Laughing dodged the to the side, throw a pair of caltrops onto the ground making them skin and fall onto the hard pavement, the first two knocked out and the third...well, casualties. I did a deliciously delivered somersault. "I — Am — Invisible — Invincible — And — Napolean!" Punctuating each word with a flip I vaulted over his head, swiping his feet out from under him and brought his poorly made AK-47 to his face, safety off.

He looked like he was going to piss himself.

That's funny.

"Please, don't —"

"Shut up. I should hang you by your testicles for shooting at a lady but..." Looking him up and down I shifted my weight on his chest, barrel of the gun digging into his nose. "...you don't look intelligent enough to pull a robbery off. So, be a good boy for me," Leaning down I licked his exposed ear and felt him shudder under me. "Tell whoever sent you into my city that I don't play with others. Okay?" He nodded quickly and I kissed his nose. "Good boy."

With a crack he was unconscious, I dropped the rifle and examined him, a broken nose but he would live. Now...I turned to the store, sniffing for any odd chemical smells as my combat boots crushed the glass they had broken.

I was sorely disappointed.

Nothing nice just two five quart bags filled with pure cocaine, how boring is that?

On each bag was a big old purple J. Purple.

"Well, Jay, this isn't your day, now is it?" Opening the bag I turned it over and emptied it out onto the floor which was quickly followed by the second bag. With the gallon of bleach I found in the janitors I poured it onto the mound of boring powder, watching it sizzle and turn to sludge. With the sharpie I always carried with me I wrote a note on one of the bags, setting the bleach down and walking back out into the street.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I pocketed a few things. Just a few though. Nothing real nice in there anyway.

Snapping my whip out I used it to propel myself to a roof, it was easy to to just jump and leap from building to building...the thugs that were comatose beginning to stir just as I disappeared. Tonight was fun and now it was time to go home and take a nap on some comfy pillows.

Mmm...the luxury."


	2. Passing Notes

**Chapter two! Now, if any of you have any suggestions on how to play the Joker let me know :)**

"There is nothing less fun than people who take all the fun out of dropping a few pounds of coke into the city water supply." I ran my hands through my hair, never feeling the texture as my purple gloves were worn at all times. "What?"

I never made note to know any of their names, minions were minions and this one held a sticky note.

"F-From the site..."

"Smells like beautiful..." The handwriting was loopy, female but curt.

**Hiding drugs in a jewelry store? Bad class. And the clown masks weren't very original. XOXXX -C**

**P.S. I like purple too**

"Looks like we got us a wise ass." Grabbing Dopey, the one with the broken nose and dislocated shoulder who was the only non-comatose survivor. "Listen, I got a short attention span and I," Running the blade of my butterfly knife along his swollen eggplant nose. "I wanna hear who turned you inside out and I wanna hear it now."

Knives bring out fear, this little fella was almost pissing himself with it. "I — she came outta nowhere, we didn't —"

"Shush." Putting a finger on his lips I cocked my head towards him, running my tongue over my lips then over my scars. "'She'? Five of my men taken out by an unarmed girl?" Giggling I snorted a little and pinched his ruined nose, my voice a growl now. "Details, details..."

"She was...h-hot."

"Felled by a beautiful woman, how Freudian." I ran the razor edge of my butterfly along his lip, clipping his tongue slightly. "I wasn't asking your cock, was I? I was asking your brain, what little resides in yonder skull?"

"It was a black suit! W-With ears and goggles, like a dominatrix with cat ears..."

I broke into a bout of hysterical laughter, letting Dopey fall to the ground as I clutched my sides at such an idea. Cat eared dominatrix? What an idea! It was so funny my stomach hurt. Then Dopey had to go and spoil it, the party pooper.

"It...it isn't funny, sir..."

Without a glance at him I shot him with my machine pistol, straightening my suit and tie as I stepped over Dopey.

"Weell...what is the best way to catch a cat?"

"Catnip?"

"Tuna?"

"Milk?"

"Brussel sprouts?"

"Curiosity...curiosity always brings the cat back." Running my tongue over the blade of my butterfly I grinned at the white and red reflection of myself, giggling as it all made sense.


	3. A Rush

**Sorry about the wait, guys, been busy :D Enjoy and maybe some reviews on how the Joker was/is? I do not own this song :D**

_Make me come alive  
Come on turn me on  
Touch me, save my life  
Come on and turn me on  
I'm too young to die  
Come on and turn me on  
Turn me on  
Turn me on  
Turn me on  
Turn me on_

Make me come alive...

Turn, twist, dip and gyrate to the beat of the music, I was up front and whenever I got put up front to dance I got paid extra and so did the club. Dancing erotically in front of a sea of perverted, lustful men who didn't see me, they only saw a sleek, slender body with curves in all the right places.

Disgusting.

"Selena, nice work," The floor manager always gave me a thumbs up and I shrugged, wincing as I slipped out of those damn heels and into my more favorable combat boots. With a pixie cut I must admit it kept my hair out of my eyes, dancing and fighting aside, I was always gone before the other girls got to the dressing room. I preferred it that way. Drop my bag at home, feed Roman my handsome tabby cat, and go out caterwauling myself.

"Hey, girl, nice..."

Why are my thoughts always interrupted by drunken frat boys?

Not to mention I have an exams for four of my classes at UG, University of Gotham for the illiterates. Keep walking, keep walking...don't turn around and kick his ass...don't lose your temper, Selena.

"Nice ass..." I got that comment a lot. Even in worn jeans and my hoodie men seemed to be able to hone in on certain parts of my body, like my ass. It was comments like that that made me want to morph into Catwoman.

No one said that to Catwoman and walked away with their balls missing.

Selena the college student who works as dancer to pay for college is very different than Catwoman.

"Fuck off." I flipped the guy off over my shoulder, hurrying up the stairs to my apartment in a building that should have been condemned years ago. Home is where your rump rests, right?

God my feet hurt.

Hanging upside down from a street lamp helped a bit but I really needed a foot massage. If I had to wait all damn night for that Heart of the Nile, a diamond the size of a kittens head, I would find someplace else to distract me. Selena, honey, patience. That's what I told myself until I spotted a young woman being assaulted, if there was one thing that got under my skin it was violence towards the helpless. Fucking pissed me off.

Anti-hero they called me.

Trickster.

Batman called me a pain in the ass. It was only right that I replied that I would love to be a pain in his cute little ass any day of the week, all he had to do was call me maybe.

Sure I messed with whomever I felt like but there some things this kitten would not stand for.

Feet be damned.

A nagging, burning thought...what if that had been Holly?

"Hey, Ronald," I think he was now experiencing what it was like to have a garbage can hit him in the face. _Snap snap snap_ went my whip as I gave his face a new outlook on life. "It's rude to hit ladies, didn't your mother teach you any manners?"

Hoisting up the broad, damn she was heavy, the arm I gripped was hard and muscled it hit me a second too late when the bat hit me in the stomach. Staggering my vision was blurry and I hissed, hadn't hit my ribs but just my stomach. My poor, soft tummy. The giggling and cackling that accompanied the dull pain, the heavy overcoat tossed off and the grungy purple slacks, for all the mud and blood stains, it was a nice suit.

Purple.

J.

Oh flying fuck.

"You wanted to play hardball so I did...hope I didn't break you, kitten..." They always said he had a high voice but they were wrong, it fluctuated between growling and simpering on whim, the cold metal of the combat shotgun under my chin a bitchy reality. "My boys said you looked like a dominatrix with cat ears...cat ears sure but I see no dominatrix. Just a wild cat."

Wetting my lips my vision is finally clear and, on whim, I decide that without that garish make up he could be a very handsome man. Possibly worthy of my attentions. Brown eyes with flecks of blue, it's a pity about the scars but nobodies perfect and being almost nose to nose with him he smells like kerosene and gunpowder.

"It would have been better if you called me."

"Now why do that when I can see you in person? I was right when I said you were beautiful..." Hungry eyes, a rabid dog and I smiled, when his butterfly knife came up to my mouth my claws scrapped his throat.

"That's sweet. It's nice to see a fellow appreciator of blades but I must bid Romeo adieu..." Pulling out of his grip I never realized how tall he was, as tall as Batsy but more lean than muscular, he always hunched on TV. Doing a couple of backflips to get my muscles moving I did a leap up onto a lamp post, wiggling my fingers. "I don't play well with others...but I might make an exception."

His men chuckled but the clown said nothing, eyebrows furrowed as I snapped my whip, disappearing into the darkness with a parting jibe.

"Gotta run...someones gotta tie Batsy's panties in a knot, hmm?"

I told myself I was an adrenaline junkie.

But meeting, teasing the Joker was the ultimate rush.


	4. Guardian Angel

**Since I'm getting so few reviews for this one I might temporarily drop my other projects to work on this one...nothing worse for a writer than no feedback :(**

"You're hurting my neck..." Being in a choke hold by a man almost a foot taller than you really turns off any desire for me. As usual he smelt like that body armor, sweat and something spicy, expensive, uniquely Mr Detective. I would probably have a bruise from his gloves and his mouth was near my ear, growling his words.

"You broke into my car."

"It isn't my fault it has the equivalent of a child safety lock keeping kittens out." There wasn't anything interesting in there either, I squirmed and he tightened his hold, my claws sinking into his arm. From the set of this firm lips I knew it hurt but the guy was a masochist almost, the tension in the air almost sexual in nature.

"Keep your paws to yourself."

Great. Handcuffs, was it?

Lunging forward I licked his lips, those pretty blue eyes widened and I grinned, slipping out of his grasp and tumbling over his head. "Handcuffs are a bit too kinky for a first date, Batsy,"

Lifting my hand I wiggled my fingers at him before doing a backflip down into the gorge between buildings. Snap of the whip I twisted through the air like an acrobat, walking the edge of the roofs as I drop down, opening a window to my lair.

But the cat was already out of the bag.

"Holly, I—"

"'Just a quick stroll, Holly, I promise I won't go out catwalking when the cops use tasers, Holly'," Having a computer engineering textbook thrown at you is probably like getting punched in the face by bats. Holly, my scrawny, 15 year old little not sister who had freckles on her nose and curly gold locks like wild barley. "Selina, you promised!"

"Jesus, Holly, do you want to get the cops over here? Scream louder then!" Taking off my cowl I dropped it on the table held up by books because one leg was missing. Unzipping my catsuit I kicked off my boots and shimmied into some yoga pants and a baggy shirt. My neck hurt as well as my ass, Bats manhandled me like it was fun, grinding into my poor ass as he tried to get one of his gadgets from him. "Not tonight, Holly. I am not in the mood."

Had my bed ever been this soft?

Holly fell silent and I could hear her come in with a bottle of water and some Fritos which I loved her for, every inch of her skinny self.

"I just worry about you, Selina."

"I know, honey, but I'm a big girl, that's why I wear thongs and you don't," I snicker and pretend to be able to ward off her blows as she laughs with me, curling up next to me. "Serious, kiddo, did you feed the babies?"

"You're gonna turn into an old woman with a billion cats, Selina,"

"So? Someone has to love them," My babies, if I couldn't have them then by Crowley I would feed the lost, discarded felines of the street. Turning onto my back the throb of my bruised ass makes me smile because I know, under that iron chastity belt of his, Batman had a hard on for me.

That's right, bitches, even the Bat gets it on for the Cat.


End file.
